What did it all mean?

As mentioned before, I'll spend the rest of my life making sense of all that I experienced and learned in Peru. I'm in no rush to define or conclude just what it is that I got out of this all - in fact it seems rather naive and disrespectful (to myself and to this period of my life) to assume that I can sum it all up in a concise or understandable way.

But this much I know - when the lessons of community, spirituality, social justice, and simple living come crashing through my brain and I try desperately to find just one phrase that can, for the time being, prove that I learned something in Peru, I settle on this:

I am not important.

I don't mean that in a "listen to My Chemical Romance and paint my nails black with Sharpie" way. Rather, it's about the St. Ignatius way of detachment. To be truly free from disordered attachments, I need to be detached from the ego-driven desires that dictate my life. I have to tell myself, "you are not important" not to strip away any value I have, but to realistically value things in this world that are more important than me.

In community, I need to value peace, equality, and unconditional love over my own desire to have my voice heard and my needs met. Ultimately, it can't be about what just Kelly needs, it has to be about collectively creating a nurturing, safe place for each community member. If I can remember and try to put others' needs before my own, in the great karma of the universe, I usually find that what I really need (but not always what I thought I needed) somehow happens.

In spirituality, I need to offer it all up to God and admit that if I try to take on the world alone, I'll fail. If I remember that there is something else - a greater force or power or being ordering this seemingly random universe - I feel both small and inconsequential and, at the same time, completely protected. It is recalling that "I am not important" that reminds me to not make a false idol out of myself.

For social justice, I need only look at the privileges in my life with gratitude to remember the many ways in which others suffer and face oppression. In no way should I compare and rank adversity, but in remembering that I am inordinately blessed, I can put into perspective the challenges. Looking outside of my own, narrow-minded needs, I see the structural injustice that warrants a fight.

Finally, in simple living, if I remember that "I am not important", I realize that I don't deserve more of something or better of something than anyone else. There are so many who live upon this earth: we must tread upon it gently, use its resources wisely, and leave it better than we found it. I cannot take more than my share or pollute more than my share. It is here that I recognize my smallness with horror and not with awe - if I drive my car unnecessarily or am wasteful and I think, "Well, I'm just one person or it's just one trip", I then scale up that attitude in my head on a global scale.

I don't impart any sanctimonious tone in these lessons because I certainly haven't figured out how to live permanently or even consistently into these lessons and ideals I've set for myself. Just as figuring out what my time in Peru means, learning how to apply those lessons to my life will be a lifelong journey. It's just a phrase right now, a loose beginning, but it's a start.