Sunday, August 21, 2016

Titles Under Consideration for my Unwritten Travel Memoir

Oh The Places You'll Go (to the bathroom, without shame, because it's not your fault you have diarrhea)


Everyone Poops, just sometimes it's in a trash can in Tiananmen Square*
* I swear this wasn't me. It was a seven year-old Chinese girl.**
** Mom, I promise it wasn't me. I would own up to it.


Just Act Like You Belong Here and No One Will Realize You're Not a 90 Year-Old Chinese Man


How did I not learn to drive a car with manual transmission? (And other ways my parents let me down)*
* This would not be a book, just a one-page diatribe on the only way my parents have ever failed me.


Kelly, You're Still a White Girl, Even When You're Tan


Travel Hacks: Avoid Getting Robbed by Owning Really Shitty Things


Travel Hacks: Avoid Unwanted Attention by Refusing to Bathe or Do Laundry


A Solo Female Traveler Safety Guide:
(Or: Why it would be so much easier to be a dude so no one bothers you and you can feel safe and sheltered from the realities of what women around the world face in their daily struggle to exist in this world!)


"Don't Get into a Car with Strangers" and other advice I followed as a kid in Illinois but somehow forgot as a 20-something year-old in Bolivia


There Are No Stray Dogs in China (actually, not a memoir title, just a recent, concerning revelation)


But the rabies shots were free!
Finding the silver lining everyday


Damp: A Chronicle of Traveling in Asia During Monsoon Season and South America During Carnaval


Those aren't sprinkles! Dealing with Disappointment (like eating candy-coated fennel seeds in India)


Oxygen Deprivation: Cheaper than Cocaine or Ayahuasca
(Also, Is this normal or is it an aneurysm: Hiking in the Andes without proper altitude acclimatization)


Alcohol Kills (the parasites in your stomach, maybe, so go ahead and drink instead of taking antibiotics)


"Soy vegetariana, No, no como pollo." and other fun phrases for when you're served a plate of cow stomach or a skewer of starfish*
*Note: recognizing the animal and body part you're about to consume is a delightful rarity!


"This is the quintessential (insert foreign country) experience."
Lies we tell ourselves on overnight bus rides and in other moments of misery


If they think you're Dutch, thank them; if they think you're Russian, be concerned.


Cultural Exchange For Dummies
The definitive rules of East Coast beer pong!


Emotionally distraught or just eating spicy food? Either way: Ice Cream!
How to cry in public and cope with a quarter-life crisis at home or abroad


The Audacity of Nope: When your banner of "I preach and live cultural acceptance!" gets tangled


I Can't Even. I Literally Can't Even.*
*The aforementioned book ("The Audacity of Nope") about the struggle to reconcile your desire to be culturally sensitive with your awareness of social injustices, but for millennials! With ten social justice-inspired adult coloring book pages, like that dead Syrian boy on a Greek beach. Also includes three metallic tattoos of the words "Solidarity", "One Love.", and "Bye Felicia!"


Open your eyes: change your heart
Open your mouth: change the microbial biome of your gut in permanent and irreversible ways


Why do most of my memories involve poop? (Both a potential memoir title and a real question I ask myself most days. Does anyone else have a photo album on their computer called "Beautiful scenery I've had the pleasure to look at while squatting on the side of a hiking trail"?)

No comments:

Post a Comment