Times I Wish I Had a Cell Phone

I’m a firm believer in celebrating and sharing the absurdities, oddities, crazy moments, and head-scratching typos that we encounter in life. I love texting people when I see something funny that makes me think of them or I’m sitting in the world’s more boring meeting and I want them to hear the ridiculous things my colleagues are arguing about. While I’m normally I’m a big fan of my cell-phone-free life, there are a few moments every week when I really wish I could share a strange moment with a dear friend. 

Here’s what I would be texting people if I had a cell phone…

·         There are two people full-on spooning in the median of the Pan-American Highway like they’re lounging in Central Park. They water the median with sewer water! Does residual poop smell turn them on or something?

·         It’s almost like having panty lines is a fashion statement! Like they’re wearing the most obvious granny panties they can find under their skin-tight leggings on purpose.

·         And the Pisco will kick in and make this party interesting in 3…2…1…

·         At least six teachers are wearing the exact same outfits they wore yesterday, down to the same sweaters and jewelry! Are they trying to play mind tricks on the rest of us and make us confused about what day it is?

·         There’s a three-year-old sprawled out, sleeping on the floor of the crowded bus and the mom shot me a dirty look as I tried to move to make room for more people and angrily said, “Watch out! My child is right there!”

·         Asian teenagers just keep spilling out of these Jeeps and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has on matching, rainbow/checkerboard woven, hippie pants. My eyes are burning. (this one would have been texted to Tom Fagan, he has some good guidelines for wearing  hippie pants)

·         (Re: Bolivian Men versus Peruvian Men) The good-looking ones are more “Incan Ruler” and less “Korean Pop Star.”

·         I may have to lower my standards slightly from “I will never be interested in a guy who owns a fanny pack” to “I won’t condone his wearing said fanny pack in public.”

·         Add it to the list of deal-breakers: Shirts that have a drawing of headphones printed around the collar.

·         I love my boss, but her shirt is see-through today. And I get whistled at for wearing shorts?!?

·         The doctor is reading the text she just got in the middle of my appointment.

·         Some woman just answered her cell phone in Church.

·         The Vice Principal’s phone went off in the middle of his speech and he answered it!

·         I don’t think there’s a Spanish translation for “customer service.”

·         My colleagues have not shut up since this meeting began. And I wonder why I can’t get their classes to settle down while I give instructions. Dear God, help me.

·         Half of the 50-year-old women here are dressed in clothes they probably bought at a Dress Barn “going out of business” sale. The other half look like they raided a Forever 21.

·         Our school is celebrating its 25^th Anniversary this year and all I can think about is that I’ve been on the Earth for fewer years than some teachers have been at this school. And I wonder why I have nothing in common with them.

·         We just infiltrated the roaches’ lair. This time I took them on in flip-flops. Yup, I’m a badass.

·         So… thirsty… but I refuse to buy water… will… not… give in to the most ridiculous industry…ever…

·         Some guy, under his breath, was narrating me walking past him - “La guapa esta caminando.” Does he have a blind friend nearby whom he´s trying to help out? It reminds me of watching that crazy bootleg copy of New Years Eve we have in the house 

·         I just took the long route through the market so I could avoid the vendors I know, because I’m too tired to stop and chat with them. But now I feel so guilty!

·         There´s someone at this party who did not greet me when she arrived. What do I do?? Should I go introduce myself? I don´t want to make her feel socially inept or bad for not greeting me.

·         These are grown people typing like second graders who failed Slamdunk Typing

·         "A gringa walks into a school supply store carrying a bundle of firewood...." I wish I was telling a great joke, but really I´m just describing my afternoon. 

·         I spend way too much time planning the tattoos I know I’ll never get.

You know, come to think of it, a lot of you who are reading this list are probably really grateful that I don’t have a cell phone and that I’m not wasting your time texting you these random thoughts. So, you’re welcome.